Hogwarts Application Essay

Admitting a cadre of female students to Hogwarts would be a vast asset to the school's academic reputation. After all, just look what female students like Hermione Granger have been able to accomplish! Like Hermione, we would probably outshine other Gryffindor House members, considering the relatively low magical-proficiency standards of some (ahem, Neville Longbottom), who seem to have the magical skills of interbred residents of Appalachia.

Of course, we don't want to imply that the admissions committee resort to affirmative action. We know how much Salazar Slytherin disapproved of giving any entry advantage to anyone other than the most qualified wizards, which would explain why the Ozarks are quite under-represented in terms of the number of Hogwarts-educated wizards that hail from that region.

Notwithstanding the lack of gender-preferential admissions, women have played an important role in Hogwarts' history. In particular, Helga Hufflepuff, who hailed from the beautiful Cascades region before emigrating to England, tried to recruit outstanding witches into her eponymous house.

We would request placement in Ravenclaw, however, since the house, whose founder is from the Laurentian mountain area of Canada (which is British… sort of…), is known to embody the values of intelligence, knowledge, and wit – values shared by all of the women on our team. Also, Harry Potter's crush, Cho Chang, hailed from Rowena's female-founded house, and we're hoping that one of us might be next in line to catch the eye of the Boy Who Lived.

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